My Undoing

"Had I not created my whole world, I would certainly have died in other people’s."

-Anaïs Nin

Throughout the past few years, the shaky foundations that offered a mirage of security in my life crumbled beneath me. Within this time frame I lost my long term relationship, my health, my business, the life I built in Vancouver, my identity as a photographer/creative, the freedom to do just about anything, and finally, after already feeling I had slammed against a bottom I couldn't envision lifting myself from, my mom. It was truly the tower archetype made manifest through the fabric of my life. I plunged into a reality so dark and terrifying that I felt I’d landed in my own perfectly curated nightmare. People helplessly watched this unfolding and concluded that these successive events were the clear cause of my collapse, and obviously each of these blows did contribute massively to my trepidation. But from a greater perspective, the shattering of these structures broke me open to the colossal shadow that had always been with me.

“I am terrified by this dark thing

That sleeps in me;

All day I feel its soft, feathery turnings, its malignity.”

-Sylvia Plath

Initially, it all seemed like nothing more than tragedy. I felt abandoned and abused by the universe and outcast from life itself. But over time, I began to sense the return of something both new and familiar growing within me. Throughout these years, there were prolonged periods where it became too unbearable to be in my body and I found myself falling into altered states of consciousness. From within the refuge of these realms I was engulfed by a presence that lovingly eroded the illusion of my alone-ness. It shimmered through me, fleeting, but potent, and proved to be the only substantial nourishment available, holding the key to what I had been yearning for in all the years of seeking. This guide held my hand and drew me into a land ruled not by a rigid, domineering king motivated by order and rationality, but a Divine Mother who spoke in myth, music, metaphor, art, intuition and synchronicity. In this storm of illness, grief and absolute assloads of suffering (-Rumi, probably), I was finding the elusive otherness that had evaded me since childhood and left me lamenting in its absence. There was immense beauty in this paradoxical existence interwoven with pain and peace, grief and gratitude, terror and trust. The relief came not from decimating the problems I was attempting to thrash my way through, but from honing in on my storyline and illuminating the meaning within each of its twists, reversals and unravellings. My narrative shifted from that of victimhood within a life laden with crisis to a warrior’s descent into the underworld where I surrendered myself to its alchemical fires.

I used to imagine I’d be writing a story of blazing redemption by now, returning to the world neurosis free, full of vitality and health. But the reality is, I didn’t “fix” any of these issues, and there’s no going back to my previous life, I wouldn’t want to anyways. These symptoms were never character flaws in need of correction or conveniently packaged diagnoses like I had been led to believe, but acts of rebellion against a way of being that was completely misaligned with all that I am. In place of repression and eradication, they needed space to be heard and held. When I periodically stray from this emerging clarity and find myself caught in the currents of urgency and striving, my body flares in protest and I quickly find myself being pummelled by old, irate symptoms. I am now committed first and foremost to honouring the new life that has emerged from the ashes of my “Before” and to protecting its delicate sprouts with the ferocity of a mother bear.

I have no choice but to challenge the narrative of indoctrinated timelines and surrender to the work that’s been laid out for me. I can no longer afford to succumb to the “shoulding” and instead practice listening deeply to my own inner knower as I tend to my wearied body and soul. I am devoted to making an art out of meaning making, especially when it seems there’s nothing much happening or when whatever is happening seems too bleak to be anything but a cosmic error. I will continue to lean on the Ones Who Know and find solace in their haven of understanding, hoping I can offer the same for them. I will dance with the numinous and channel it through creative acts, offering a voice to all that's been caught in my throat. And when I fall prey to old conditioning and patterns, I will gently and compassionately steer myself back into remembrance.

I am creating this space to serve as a canvas for the contents of my inner landscape, and hopefully it will stir up resonance in those on a similar journey. As I place my feet along the fertile soils of tender remediation, away from the cacophony of demands within the mainstream world, I will share my views from along the way. This is my act of devotion to the sacred which has also been seeking me, it is my Ode to Elsewhere.